Begin.
(A tevision set walks across the stage holding a poster board. The television set is smiling, and the board reads;
Animals.)
( Cutain rises to Steck begining a presentation for the exectutive board members of a powerfull television network.)
Steck This is the flop, boys.
(Steck is interupted by a seven well-dressed cave-men ambling towards him from the darkness. They're holding cups of coffee and trays of office muffins above their heads, and are offering them to Steck as if he were a God. Steck keeps them away (but still onstage) with a series of awful clicking noises.)
Steck My show has been number one in the two o'clock socket for more than three weeks, now.
(Steck lights a cigarette to compensate for the crowds lack of enthusiasm. The creatures grunt at the flame.)
Steck: We have grade A actors for third grade prices- and the writers might as well be the most creative monkeys in the universe, because they smile when we give em' checks that make the wellfare swell with pride.
(Steck flicks his cigarette amongst the monkeys, who scatter, but cautiously regroup around the curiously flickering embers.)
Steck Our producers have un-wittingly signed contacts which, for six years, give us intimate rights to the very essence of their souls. We could just as easily disect their still beating hearts for the betterment of clown-monkey research as lace them up in evening gowns to dance the night away.
(The creatures are hopping up and down on their haunches chanting, Steck produces a remote control from his waistcoat and turns on a television in the darkness. The creatures immediatly settle down and begin to moan longingly at the flickering box. Steck continues.)
Steck I don't say this to every suit I encounter, but quite honestly-
I'm very fond of each and every one of you.
I feel we share an unspoken bond of casual professionalism
that reflects upon...some very important things.
It's for this reason that I come to you- instead of your friends
and familes with the pictures and documents that I have 'duplicated'
and taped to the bottom of your chairs.
(In envelopes, on the bottom of every chair- are pictures of geese.)
Steck Protect your eggs, ladies and gentlemen, and protect them well.
Daddy's got salt in the shotgun.
Daddy's not afraid to shoot.
(An OFFICE CLERK walks hurridly across the stage, her arms brimming with professional leather bound books. As she nears center stage, one of the books falls from the stack and lands near the group of huddled creatures. One of them peels its eyes away from the television long enough to glance at the book's fluttering pages, and it approaches it for a more detailed look.)
Steck Now- if any of you feel that I have misjudged your character in any way......please...understand that you are wrong-
I know everything. Everything.
I know what songs your daughter sings in the shower.
I know what your loved ones whisper in your ear before they go to sleep at night.
(The creature reading the book abrubtly stands to his full heighth and continues scanning the pages as he paces around upstage.)
Steck What I want from you is simple. It's the same thing I want from every other living creature on this planet- I want your Goddamned attention.
(The creature looks at Steck- at the book- at Steck- and back at the book again. The creature seems upset)
Steck Nothing more, nothing...
(The creature runs to Steck and beats him over the head with the book. Steck gurgles something incoherant, but is cut short as the creature removes his waistcoat. When the creature turns to speak to the crowd, his voice is cool and refined.)
Creature ...in conclusion-
(The Creature trails off and briefly scans the ranks of his former companions. All of them are staring at him expectantly- hopefully. One of them crawls to coo at the upright creatures feet, but is quickly dejected back into the pool of animals with a swift kick to the chest. The upright Creature smiles and continues.)
Creature ...in conclusion, for your cooperation...
(Enter, stage left, a scantilly clad prostitute holding a poster card which reads; 'TURN', and from stage right, an office clerk holding a tray of muffins. Both are walking a direct route to exit the stage on the opposite end to which they entered, but as they intersect in the middle, the office clerk turns to the Creature and mouths the word "Muffin?". At this time, the prostitute turns over her poster card which now reads "Muffin?")
Creature No, thank you.
(Exit clerk and prostitute.)
Creature -for your cooperation. . . I . .
(The huddled creatures have turned the volume up on thier television set. We can hear the static as well as see it. The upright creature is transfixed.)
Creature Y'know. . for. . the uh. .
(The creatures should be assembled in such a way that their backs are towards the audience. It should appear as if they are sitting inside of a whitewater raft. The upright creature walks to the front of the raft and sits down ontop of the glowing television. Enter Confused Man, stage left, who is holding a Toaster oven, which reads:
RIVER.)
(A white water rafting guide is facing towards his passengers, who have their backs turned towards the audience.)
Joshua OK. If everybody could go ahead and pull their oars out of the water
and place them in the center of the raft...great...I'm gonna try and take
advantage of this calm stretch of water here- and tell you guy's a little
more about what we're going to be going up against today.
First, though; i'd like to introduce myself, uh..I know some of you I met
while we were loading up...Charlie, hey! And was it Delores? Good!
I'm not as bad with names as I thought. Jeez, I almost forgot mine, huh!
My name is Joshua, and I'm gonna be your white water raftin' captain.
Now, we're gonna be goin up against some big, dangerous waters out
there- so don't be fooled by the pamphlet. Fun, family adventure aside-
this is treacherous stuff and I want all of you to be just as prepared as
I am. Are you guys with me so far? Great.
Now, just a quick show of hands; how many of you have white water
rated before? One? Two? THREE! Wow. Three vetran river ponies.
That is great. That is terrific. What that means all of you first timers,
is that we're gonna have a lot of extra support out there today; catching
overboards, rowing counter currents, gettin' those rookies comftorable
with their oars...are there any questions so far?
(Beat)
Joshua No?
Alright...so what I want everybody to do is smile, have a good
time...and let the stream tug us on down the river.
I'm gonna go ahead and curl myself into a ball here at the front of the raft
and try to relax as many muscles as I can before all this Crank and LSD
turns me into a fuckin' serial killer.
(Long uncomftorable silence as the passengers turn worriedly to one another for support. The guide indeed curls into a ball at the front of the raft. After a beat- he begins to make animal noises.)
Joshua Oh, quick note, uh...
Theres a few important turns we need to make up ahead...to avoid waterfalls...death and, y'know...concentrate! Teamwork! Vetrans! Got it?
(He rises partially from the front of the raft.)
Joshua I'm really gonna need that support, okay? Especially the teamwork,
cause'...and I'm going to be completly honest with you guys- the last
time I took this much acid with this much speed, they had to drag us
off the edge of a fuckin' cliff-face with an Apache helicopter and...there
were..at least- several dozen babies coming out of my eyeballs.
And Hey! You know what? Why're you people even talkin' about
helicopters right now? Are we...on...are we on a helicpter? No.
We're having a family adventure on a Raft, and...I want you guys, first
and foremost- to have a good time. Not worry about goddamned Helio
Nazis rakin' Dolphins outta yer stomach- so those turns better matter.
So let's- lets be the come together, like this (He makes a fist in the air)
The big team. (He ducks down suddenly into the front of the raft.) ohmygod...did you see it? What was it?
~Pfooo~
(The guide begins to slap himself. There is a brief moment of composure.)
Joshua Look, uh..Ahem...quick tip here to all you big guys in the boat.
Any big guys? No? Alright, well- in the event I do start to freak out:
if you guys don't see me start to tucker out after the first couple of
thrashes...you're gonna need to try and beat me unconcsious with your
fists or...your oars- or something. Cause if I black out after a seizure-
I'm liable to just...blind rush anything with two legs and the smell of fear.
(ENTER CECIL- apparantly walking on water.)
Joshua -but apparantly people can walk on water now, so...I guess it's not that
big of a deal.
Cecil We took too much, man. Do you think we took too much?
Joshua I don't know. Do you see any moderate looking rapids up ahead?
Cecil What man? What?
Joshua Don't you freak out on me, buzzkill. I'm having a fun family adventure
and I don't want it tainted with your maddness.
